In ultimul ei interviu, Bella dePaulo (de care mai scriam acum o luna pe forum, dar a carei prezentare o fac doar acum - absolvent de Harvard; dr. profesor la UC Santa Barbara, autorul multor carti legate de single printre care: "What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It, and Singled Out", "How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After". Scrie pe un blog foarte intresant Living Single. 57 ani, a fost intotdeauna singura si cum declara, traieste fericita intr-un mic orasel de la ocean, Summerland, California), face cateva referiri la ultima statistica si analiza sociologica. In America numarul celor single a ajuns la 40% din persoanele adulte, iar procentul este in continua crestere, pt ca spun sociologii, tinerii sunt mult mai putini matriamaniaci decat generatia actuala, fiind mai degraba dispusi la singlism. Deci foarte curand o sa se ajunga la fifty - fifty. Iata interviul in engleza, am inceput sa-l traduc, dar suna mult mai bine si mai explicit in engleza, asa ca deocamdata am preferat sa-l las asa.
Dr. DePaulo, I was thrilled when I found your blog, Living Single, at Psychology Today. At All The Single Girlfriends we want people to understand that Gf who are single after the big 4-0 birthday approach life with joy, excitement and passion. In doing so we hope to help lift the stigma that there is nothing wrong with not being in a relationship.
That said, Im curious to know if youve seen a generational difference in the attitude of people (single or not) who think, Poor dear youre still not married/dont have a boyfriend?
Bella DePaulo, PhD: I think there is a generational difference with the younger generation less matrimaniacal than the older ones. (Matrimania is my term for the over-the-top celebration of all things having to do with weddings and marriage and coupling.) What also still seems very important is your own age. I think singles feel the most pressure around issues of coupling as they approach the age of 30. Thats a time when so many of their peers are totally obsessed with marrying and maybe also having kids.
My colleagues and I have found in our research that other people think that as you get older as a single person, you feel worse about your life. That seems to be exactly wrong! Single women, especially, seem to become more comfortable with their own lives and their decisions as they approach and pass their 40th birthday. They are less likely to be bothered by how other people think they should live their lives. They know how they want to live.
What is the stereotype that people hold of women 40+ who are not married or have a life partner? Are we still perceived as (shudder)spinsters or old maids?
Bella DePaulo, PhD: Unfortunately, there is still some belief in the myth that 40-something single women are miserable and lonely, and that there is nothing they want more than to become unsingle. One thing that will help bust those myths is if singles speak out. Sometimes when I tell other singles about research showing that most singles are happy and that they are probably even more secure in their 40s than they were before, they say something like, Oh, I thought I was the only one!
Looking at being single from a marketing point of view, this may be a side-step for you, but why are singles invisible to brand marketers and agencies who dont pay attention to the lucrative single market?
Bella DePaulo, PhD: I think that marketers, like so much of the rest of society, have not caught up with the big changes in the way we live our lives. They are still stuck on images of the mom, dad, and kids living behind the white picket fence, when that is so far in the past. For years, there have been fewer households comprised of mom, dad, and the kids than of single people living solo.
Marketing and advertising are saturated with images of weddings and couples. Not just for products that make sense (like tuxedos or jewelry) but everything else, too. Take note next time you are watching TV. They are such matrimaniacs, Im not sure it even occurs to them to try something else.
Why there is so much societal pressure to couple-up? Is it something that is a learned behavior? Is it in our DNA /Brain-matter?
Bella DePaulo, PhD: One of the things that really surprised me when I first started to study single life (and not just practice it) was that the singles who get the most pressure and criticism and caricaturing and backlash are the happiest and most successful ones! I think there is something very deep going on here. Happy single people are threatening an entire world view a way of thinking about life and about what matters.
The conventional view is that people who marry become not just happier and healthier (myths that have been debunked by data), but that they are actually better people than those who stay single. I think a sense of moral superiority is whats really at stake. My guess is that this is rarely conscious, but I think it is there. Other factors matter, too, but this bottom-line sense of moral superiority is what intrigues me the most.
When do we stop feeling like we need to apologize for choosing to be single? Not that I actually feel a need to apologize, but I do sometimes feel like Im being judged and found wanting, so I say no Im single, havent found Mr. Right yet. Of course, Im also not actually looking, but they dont need to know that.
Bella DePaulo, PhD: Oh, that is such a common experience. Unfortunately, it is not imagined it is real. Lots of people do judge you for being single. Challenge that! Never apologize for being single. Try to wean yourself off the response that you just havent found the right person yet. The more people who are willing to say, without apology, that they love their single lives, the better off we all will be. We need to get to the point where the people who do the judging of singles feel embarrassed (just as people who get caught practicing racism or sexism feel embarrassed) and the people being judged do not.
Its not that Im not interested in sex, its just that I havent had sex in a long time (no one to participate with me and I gave up on the one-nighters and casual trists a long time ago). So why do I feel the need to hide my sex (or lack of sex) life? Im no Samantha Jones, but does being single have to be synonymous with being celibate?
Bella DePaulo, PhD: I think there are at least three things going on here. One is that our societal pendulum has swung far to the side of overemphasizing the importance of sex and expecting peoples interests and desires to fall mostly on the high side of the scale. But people vary in how much they care about sex, and probably always have.
The other thing is that single people get it coming and going. So if you are single, some people will assume you are promiscuous. If it seems clear that you are not, then theyll take on the attitude of, Oh, you poor thing, you dont get any.
The other thing is the double standard. People feel free to ask singles all sorts of personal questions. Imagine, though, if singles routinely asked married people: So when did you last have sex?
Are single people more lonely or less lonely than those in traditional marriages? The only part of being single which still bugs me is not having access to the social (that my friends in couples seem to have).
Bella DePaulo, PhD: This is a great question because the myth of the lonely single person continues to endure. Yet some studies show that no group is less likely to be lonely than older women who have always been single! Now, stereotypically, those people should have three things stacked against them: they are single (poor things!), they are women (so, supposedly even more likely to be pining for The One), and they are older (some studies count 50 and older, others 65 and older).
Whats the answer to this puzzle? Girlfriends! Single women, rather than living life lonely and alone, often have a whole network of people who are important to them. Women who have always been single have probably nurtured those relationships, rather than putting them on the back burner while they searched for or doted on The One.
I do understand what you are alluding to about couples, though. There does seem to be this tendency for people who become coupled to socialize primarily with other couples and ditch their single friends. I hear many stories like that (and have some of my own experiences). In a way, it really seems to violate the spirit of friendship. Friends should be the people we spend time with because we like them, not because they are or are not attached to a romantic partner.
Dr. DePaulo . . the virtual stage is yours. What would you say to our community about being single?
Bella DePaulo, PhD: Live your single lives fully and joyfully! If you are single at heart, say so.
Excelent, mi s-a parut fraza cu care a incheiat interviul, de aceea l-am si bold-uit si colorat asa strident.
Sunt genul de persoana care pentru a intelege ceva, pune intrebari. Chiar si cu mine procedez la fel. Pt a-mi cunoaste mai bine pozitia, scopul, obiectivele, relationarile in anumite contexte, imi pun intrebari. Raspunzand corect la ele, ma simt mult mai bine, intelegerea imi da un sentiment de siguranta pt modul in care actionez si relationez.
Sunt convins ca fiecare dintre voi are propriile intrebari, la care ati incercat raspunsuri. Poate scrise si discutate aici multe dintre lucruri se pot clarifica.