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Intrebari pentru un single

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admin:
In ultimul ei interviu, Bella dePaulo (de care mai scriam acum o luna pe forum, dar a carei prezentare o fac doar acum - absolvent de Harvard; dr. profesor la UC Santa Barbara, autorul multor carti legate de single printre care: "What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It, and Singled Out", "How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After". Scrie pe un blog foarte intresant “Living Single”. 57 ani, a fost intotdeauna singura si cum declara, traieste fericita intr-un mic orasel de la ocean, Summerland, California), face cateva referiri la ultima statistica si analiza sociologica. In America numarul celor single a ajuns la 40% din persoanele adulte, iar procentul este in continua crestere, pt ca spun sociologii, tinerii sunt mult mai putini matriamaniaci decat generatia actuala, fiind mai degraba dispusi la singlism. Deci foarte curand o sa se ajunga la fifty - fifty. Iata interviul in engleza, am inceput sa-l traduc, dar suna mult mai bine si mai explicit in engleza, asa ca deocamdata am preferat sa-l las asa.

Dr. DePaulo, I was thrilled when I found your blog, Living Single, at Psychology Today. At All The Single Girlfriends we want people to understand that Gf who are single after the big 4-0 birthday approach life with joy, excitement and passion. In doing so we hope to help lift the stigma that there is nothing “wrong” with not being in a relationship.

 That said, I’m curious to know if you’ve seen a generational difference in the attitude of people (single or not) who think, “Poor dear you’re still not married/don’t have a boyfriend?”

Bella DePaulo, PhD: I think there is a generational difference with the younger generation less matrimaniacal than the older ones. (“Matrimania” is my term for the over-the-top celebration of all things having to do with weddings and marriage and coupling.)  What also still seems very important is your own age. I think singles feel the most pressure around issues of coupling as they approach the age of 30. That’s a time when so many of their peers are totally obsessed with marrying and maybe also having kids.

My colleagues and I have found in our research that other people think that as you get older as a single person, you feel worse about your life. That seems to be exactly wrong! Single women, especially, seem to become more comfortable with their own lives and their decisions as they approach and pass their 40th birthday. They are less likely to be bothered by how other people think they should live their lives. They know how they want to live.

What is the stereotype that people hold of women 40+ who are not married or have a life partner? Are we still perceived as (shudder)“spinsters or old maids?”

Bella DePaulo, PhD: Unfortunately, there is still some belief in the myth that 40-something single women are miserable and lonely, and that there is nothing they want more than to become unsingle.  One thing that will help bust those myths is if singles speak out. Sometimes when I tell other singles about research showing that most singles are happy and that they are probably even more secure in their 40s than they were before, they say something like, “Oh, I thought I was the only one!”

Looking at being single from a marketing point of view, this may be a side-step for you, but why are singles invisible to brand marketers and agencies who don’t pay attention to the lucrative single market?

Bella DePaulo, PhD:  I think that marketers, like so much of the rest of society, have not caught up with the big changes in the way we live our lives. They are still stuck on images of the mom, dad, and kids living behind the white picket fence, when that is so far in the past. For years, there have been fewer households comprised of mom, dad, and the kids than of single people living solo.

Marketing and advertising are saturated with images of weddings and couples. Not just for products that make sense (like tuxedos or jewelry) but everything else, too. Take note next time you are watching TV.  They are such matrimaniacs, I’m not sure it even occurs to them to try something else.

Why there is so much societal pressure to couple-up? Is it something that is a learned behavior? Is it in our DNA /Brain-matter?

Bella DePaulo, PhD: One of the things that really surprised me when I first started to study single life (and not just practice it) was that the singles who get the most pressure and criticism and caricaturing and backlash are the happiest and most successful ones! I think there is something very deep going on here. Happy single people are threatening an entire world view – a way of thinking about life and about what matters.

The conventional view is that people who marry become not just happier and healthier (myths that have been debunked by data), but that they are actually better people than those who stay single. I think a sense of moral superiority is what’s really at stake.  My guess is that this is rarely conscious, but I think it is there. Other factors matter, too, but this bottom-line sense of moral superiority is what intrigues me the most.

When do we stop feeling like we need to apologize for choosing to be single? Not that I actually feel a need to apologize, but I do sometimes feel like I’m being judged and found wanting, so I say “no I’m single, haven’t found Mr. Right yet.”  Of course, I’m also not actually looking, but they don’t need to know that.

Bella DePaulo, PhD:  Oh, that is such a common experience. Unfortunately, it is not imagined – it is real. Lots of people do judge you for being single. Challenge that! Never apologize for being single. Try to wean yourself off the response that you just haven’t found the right person yet. The more people who are willing to say, without apology, that they love their single lives, the better off we all will be. We need to get to the point where the people who do the judging of singles feel embarrassed (just as people who get caught practicing racism or sexism feel embarrassed) and the people being judged do not.

It’s not that I’m not interested in sex, it’s just that I haven’t had sex in a long time (no one to participate with me and I gave up on the one-nighters and casual “trists” a long time ago).    So why do I feel the need to hide my sex (or lack of sex) life? I’m no Samantha Jones, but does being single have to be synonymous with being celibate?

Bella DePaulo, PhD:  I think there are at least three things going on here. One is that our societal pendulum has swung far to the side of overemphasizing the importance of sex and expecting people’s interests and desires to fall mostly on the high side of the scale. But people vary in how much they care about sex, and probably always have.

The other thing is that single people get it coming and going. So if you are single, some people will assume you are promiscuous. If it seems clear that you are not, then they’ll take on the attitude of, “Oh, you poor thing, you don’t get any.”

The other thing is the double standard. People feel free to ask singles all sorts of personal questions. Imagine, though, if singles routinely asked married people: “So when did you last have sex?”

Are single people more lonely or less lonely than those in traditional marriages?  The only part of being single which still bugs me is not having access to the “social” (that my friends in couples seem to have).

Bella DePaulo, PhD:  This is a great question because the myth of the lonely single person continues to endure. Yet some studies show that no group is less likely to be lonely than older women who have always been single! Now, stereotypically, those people should have three things stacked against them: they are single (poor things!), they are women (so, supposedly even more likely to be pining for The One), and they are older (some studies count 50 and older, others 65 and older).

What’s the answer to this puzzle? Girlfriends! Single women, rather than living life lonely and alone, often have a whole network of people who are important to them. Women who have always been single have probably nurtured those relationships, rather than putting them on the back burner while they searched for or doted on The One.

I do understand what you are alluding to about couples, though. There does seem to be this tendency for people who become coupled to socialize primarily with other couples and ditch their single friends. I hear many stories like that (and have some of my own experiences). In a way, it really seems to violate the spirit of friendship. Friends should be the people we spend time with because we like them, not because they are or are not attached to a romantic partner.

Dr. DePaulo . . the virtual stage is yours. What would you say to our community about being single?

Bella DePaulo, PhD: Live your single lives fully and joyfully! If you are single at heart, say so.

Excelent, mi s-a parut fraza cu care a incheiat interviul, de aceea l-am si bold-uit si colorat asa strident.

Sunt genul de persoana care pentru a intelege ceva, pune intrebari. Chiar si cu mine procedez la fel. Pt a-mi cunoaste mai bine pozitia, scopul, obiectivele, relationarile in anumite contexte, imi pun intrebari. Raspunzand corect la ele, ma simt mult mai bine, intelegerea imi da un sentiment de siguranta pt modul in care actionez si relationez.
Sunt convins ca fiecare dintre voi are propriile intrebari, la care ati incercat raspunsuri. Poate scrise si discutate aici multe dintre lucruri se pot clarifica.

janeta:
gigi , dragul meu , parerea mea este ca nimeni nu-ti poate raspunde la intrebari decat tu insuti . de ce ? pentru ca nimeni nu gandeste asa cum tu insuti gandesti , pentru ca nimeni nu poseda chimia din care esti tu facut . pot exista , desigur , ghidaje pentru a te face capabil sa-ti raspunzi la propriile intrebari ( psihologii au habar despre asta ) , dar se pare ca suntem sortiti sa ne gasim singuri calea ori sa ratacim pana cand acest lucru se va intampla .
unul dintre lucrurile care , cred eu , ne pot ajuta sa ne definim pe noi ca persoana si totodata drumul pe care-l avem de strabatut este lectia ce ne povatuieste cum sa ne simtim bine in pielea noastra . si pentru asta ( iarasi parerea mea ) ar trebui sa invatam a ne iubi in primul rand pe noi insine . si asta e valabil pentru toti oamenii , nu doar pentru cei " single " .
in ceea ce ne priveste pe noi , ideea este ca ar trebui sa acceptam ca nu avem niciun handicap prin acest statut ci doar o alta lectie de invatat . presupun ca fiecare dintre noi a avut un motiv mai mult ori mai putin placut prin care experimentam acum aceasta stare . poate ca , pentru a merge mai departe trebuia sa apara o ruptura de tot ce n-a mers cum a trebuit in viata noastra de pana acum , ori pur si simplu este o alta etapa in existenta noastra cu care va trebui sa ne obisnuim ori sa o depasim daca nu este exact ceea ce ar trebui pentru fiecare dintre noi .
si pentru asta chiar va trebui sa ne punem intrebari . " de ce sunt single ? " , "de ce INCA sunt single ? " , " imi doresc sa fiu single ? ", " nu-mi place sa fiu single , dar ce ar trebui sa fac pentru a parasi statutul asta ? " , etc.
intrebarile sunt multe si specifice fiecaruia dintre noi dar , repet ( fara a omite ca asta e parerea mea  :) ) ca numai noi suntem capabili sa dam raspunsurile la ele . cei din jurul nostru pot constitui ( daca doresc asta ) sa  fie suport pentru cei pentru care etapa asta e o imbucatura cam greu de inghitit . ei te pot bate prieteneste pe spate pana cand dumicatul amar s-a dus in jos pe beregata si pot face apoi , alaturi de tine haz de necaz . este extrem de important suportul asta pentru ca realizezi ca nu esti singur in incercarea asta dar...atat . efortul ingurgitarii musai sa-l faci singur . iar pentru a-ti reusi ( ma repet , desigur ) trebuie sa te iubesti suficient de mult pentru a-ti dori ca imbucatura sa nu te sufoce si sa poti merge mai departe zambind si spunandu-ti : " am facut-o si p-asta ! "

parerea mea ... :D

admin:
Absoluta dreptate, Janet! Exprimarea sau mai bine zis formularea mea nu a fost cea mai fericita. Nu ma gandeam la pus intrebare - dezbatere - raspuns. Spuneam ca pe mine ma ajuta mult intrebarile si raspunsurile pe care mi le dau singur. Asa sunt setat si obisnuit. Problema este ca nu intotdeauna ne uitam spre noi incercand sa ne intelegem, mai degraba judecam totul de la noi incolo, inspre ceilalti. Si pana nu stii ce e cu tine, ce vrei, ce ti-e bine, greu de crezut ca vei intelege corect ceea ce se intampla social si relationar pe arcul tu-ceilalti. Introspectia este necesara, raspunsurile sunt necesare. Pt asta insa, trebuie rabdare, o stare potrivita, etc etc. Si eu personal, nu prea pot sa fac asta singur. Rar imi dedic timp pt asa ceva. Am nevoie de un interlocutor, discutand cu el, de fapt imi asez, rearanjez si-mi clarific lucrurile in minte. Povestind, reusesc de fapt sa marchez ceea ce ma framanta, iar interlocutorul, sau confidentul sau oricine ma asculta, are rolul de a ma antrena in discutie. Si de multe ori chiar de a aprecia raspunsurile mele. Pentru ca, chiar daca sunt corect cu mine, inconstient pot fi subiectiv. Si astfel nu o sa am raspunsul corect. Din afara lucrurile se vad un pic altfel si daca esti in fata unei persoane care stie sa asculte, ai toate sansele sa-ti limpezesti lucrurile in minte.

Exista o tendinta a parintilor de a-si impinge copiii neconditionat spre casatorie, indiferent ce si cum, "trebuie sa te mariti" sau "trebuie sa-tri gasesti o fata". Cel mai iresponsabil lucru. De asta multe casnicii devin un calvar chiar la scurt timp de la semnarea certificatului. A-ti gasi perechea poate sa fie o cautare de o viata si Mr Right cum ii spune DePaulo, sa nu apara. Asta nu inseamna ca trebuie sa aduci dezamagirea la cote dramatice si mai mult nu inseamna ca daca n-ai gasit ce-ai vrut si ce ti se potriveste, bun sau buna si primul sau prima intalnita in cale.
Multi tineri sunt inhibati si timorati de insistenta parintilor. Ajung sa urasca efectiv si ideea de casatorie. Doar ca tocati zilnic la cap, de parinti, bunici, matusi si vecini, ajung sa aleaga cu ochii inchisi. Si rezultatul nepotrivirii se vede apoi in scurt timp.

Alt aspect pe langa ce zic parintii sau vecinii - asta este si se intampla mai degraba la cei care inca nu au intemeiat vreodata un cuplu, mai este ceva, care la momentul la care l-am sesizat mi s-a parut teribil de plin de prost gust. Am fost atent apoi si la alte persoane de acelasi profil si am observat ca li se intampla acelasi lucru. Dar trebuie sa povestesc pt a a puncta la ce ma refer.

Una dintre colegele mele, a divortat dupa vreo 20 ani de casnicie. Fara vreun motiv sesizabil din exterior. A fost atat de brusc totul incat noi invitatii la ziua sotului ei, intrebam unde este. La inceput am crezut cu totii ca este o gluma. Dar din pacate nu a fost. Si doi oameni superbi, cu un copil extraordinar, au hotarat acum, la 50 ani de ani, sa aiba vieti paralele. Ea a fost si este o femeie superba, cu o nota de eleganta mostenita, cu o distictie aparte, iti da asa o senzatie de respect amestecat cu o timiditate de a te apropia prea mult. Atata timp cat a fost in cuplu, nimeni nu ar fi indraznit si macar sa-i arunce vreo provocare in priviri. Orice barbat care o cunostea sau o intalnea, era sedus de eleganta, de frumusetea ei, dar n-ar fi indraznit un pas. Comportamentul ei, modul ei de arata ca face parte dintr-un cuplu descuraja pe oricine.
Dupa divort insa lucrurile s-au schimbat. Perceptia barbatilor fata de ea, cel putin. In ochii lor a devenit o persoana vulnerabila. Nu mai era cetatea aceea la care nici macar nu ajungeai sa-i vezi turnurile, d-apai sa speri ca-i treci santul cu apa....
Eram la un chef cu prietenii, la Sibiel. A venit si ea. Aceiasi persoana agreabila, a ras, a cantat, a dansat. Ne-am simtit ca intre colegi, foarte bine. Suntem oameni care ne cunoastem de 35 de ani, facem chefuri impreuna, ne distram. Ne cunoastem ca in palma si nu este loc de nici cea mai mica rautate. La petrecerea aceea a mai venit cineva. Facuse parte din grupul nostru dar nu mai participase de mult. Stia insa de ce se intamplase cu familia ei si venit singur, a inceput "asaltul". Nu unul elegant si frumos, poate femeile chiar au nevoie si de asa ceva, casatorite sau nu, pt ca este o confirmare a feminitatii, a atractivitatii lor. Era absolut insistent, nu s-a ferit de loc sa-si arate intentile masculine. Mie cel putin mi-a taiat cheful de tot. Daca nu-mi place ceva, apoi asta este badarania masculului. Si cand este amestecata cu alcool, atunci are efectul de a-mi produce greata. Imi inchipui cum se simte o femeie desteapta astfel asaltata. Toata lumea incepuse sa-si dea coate, momentul a fost penibil rau. Ea a fost cea care l-a depasit, a stiut atat de fin si de elegant sa se departeze de el, sa scape de insistenta lui si sa incheie tot acel penibil. Dar imi inchipui ce a fost in sufletul ei. Si cum s-a simtit fata de ceilalti. Ea care era si este constienta de superioritatea fata de multi dintre noi.

Sunt convins ca mult dintre voi ati simtit acelasi lucru ca si ea, cel mai probabil ca ati trecut prin astfel de momente. Ce vreau sa stiti este ca oamenii din jur chiar daca se inghiontesc, chiar daca chicotesc la astfel de situatii, nu va judeca in nici un fel statutul de single ci modul in care unii barbati il inteleg. Acel lucru este strident si iese in evidenta.
 

bit:
Rezumand: Cum cuceresti o femeie singura fara sa fii prea insistent (ca sa nu exageram, badaran e deja dincolo de statutul nostru de oameni...cumsecade)? Sau: de unde se vede ca sunt single? Unde "scrie"? Pai daca asa se cheama topicul, apai hai sa le punem pe intrebari. Si sa raspundem. Cine stie, poate iese ceva bun!

Caroline:
Bitek, exact asa cum cuceresti si o femeie care nu e singura, cred.  :) De fapt, o femeie sau un barbat ramane aceeasi/acelasi si rezoneaza la aceleasi lucruri si cand e single, si cand nu e.  8)
Frumos articol, subscriu Janeta!  O0
Ai dreptate, Gigi. Nu cred insa ca numai barbatii aleg. Si nici ca sunt singurii care au un astfel de comportament fata de un/o single.
Apropos de intrebari... eu am cam ajuns la raspunsurile care ma privesc.
Imi vine in minte o alta intrebare acum: ce te motiveaza pe tine (si pe voi, ca si cuplu) sa citesti despre si sa comunici cu singles?  :coolsmiley:

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